Put the cuckoo back in the clock...

I've mulled over, and contemplated this post for a while... don't you just hate that nagging sensation, like "do this"? Well here it goes. Please don't think that this is self loathing, it's by no means supposed to sound that way... it's just an act of self observation... a painful one.

For those of you that don't "know" me well, my name is Sarah and I am socially inept. LOL! How many of you, by a show of hands, have taken a step back, and actually LOOKED at yourself. Not your muffin tops, or your love handles, or even your back acne... but YOU. The person that you show to people when conversing with them. Hmm, not a lot of you, so it seems. Well, I've been doing this over the past few days... well, truthfully, since the Girl Scouts Princess Ball. Perhaps 'everyone' was correct in thinking that a part time job for me would 'get me out of the house', 'give me some adult conversation' etc etc, because I'm just... sucky. I don't know any other way to put it. I have an overwhelming sense of just... mortification. Is that even a word? Like I could crawl under a wet rock and just hide, for a while. I've never been into 'making friends', I'm a little awkward. I'm a lot of things, awkward, obnoxious, loud, opinionated, annoying, rude, and I'm just embarrassed by myself a lot of the times. Of course, in the moment, I feel fine, high on endorphins, but once my stupidity wears off, I feel like a complete ass. Okay, now that I've got everyone's attention... LOL!

The night of the Princess Ball was hell, for me, socially. And, while I'm aware the evening wasn't about me, it was about Emma, she had her fun and isn't as obnoxious and annoying as her mother, so things went quite well for her, and she was off doing her own thing with the other girls, while the parents sat back at the tables and chit chatted.

chit-chat
–noun1. light conversation; casual talk; gossip.
–verb (used without object)
2. to indulge in chitchat; gossip.


Well, the problem is, I guess, I don't know how to chit chat. So we're sitting there and all that I can come up with to say was insult after insult about the other guests. Now, I will mention that I wasn't the only person who was insulting, the couple I was 'chit chatting' with, tossed in a few of their own bits and pieces about a few particular guests... but for the most part, all that I can honestly say that I remember were my insults. On a lovely evening the couple (they have one daughter in Daisy Scouts and the other is a Brownie, I do believe, so each daughter brought a guest to the ball, which were their mom and dad- ie. 'the couple') was out relaxing and having a nice time, when all that I could muster was an onslaught of verbal negativity, which brought on laughter, but I think it was more like 'I'm laughing AT you, not with you'. And what else were they supposed to do besides laugh? Say "Oh Sarah, you shouldn't make fun of people."...? Ya, I just can't see that happening...

Now, I'm most positive that I did do some 'appropriate' chatter, talking about the weather, general things like that, but for the most part, I guess because I'm self conscious or something? I only remember the bad parts. LOL! Like I went away from the evening feeling sorry for THEM, for sitting next to me and my diarrhea mouth. I'm kind of like a wind up toy, like spinning so fast, I can't quite get a grip on myself until it's all over, and I've slowed down. I know it's too late for a New Year's Resolution, but I think it's about time.. I'm going to try and be more RESERVED.



re-served

–adjective
1. kept or set apart for some particular use or purpose.
2. kept by special arrangement for some person: a reserved seat.
3. formal or self-restrained in manner and relationship; avoiding familiarity or intimacy with others: a quiet, reserved man.
4. characterized by reserve, as the disposition, manner, etc.: reserved comments.
5. retaining the original color of a surface, esp. when decorating portions of the surface with other colors.

Here's to hoping, huh? It's not that I desperately want to make friends, I've learned that sometimes they are more hassle than they are worth, but I thought it would be nice to befriend the aforementioned couple. And now, I can only imagine the conversation they had, when they both hopped into bed for the night and cuddled beneath their blankies to have a lil small talk before drifting off to sleep, or whatever else they chose to do on that particular evening (now I sound like a weirdo, sorry)... "Oh that Sarah, she is something else isn't she?" .... "Ya, and your dumb ass (they probably don't call one another that... that's just me talking) invited her and her family over sometime this summer for BBQ and beers... great." SIGH! See what I mean, ugh. So I really am not sure where this post is headed, I'm just scared that there is no changing a leopard's spots, you know what I mean? Like, what if I am stuck this way, being a total dick to everyone I meet? Gah. I'm just having a moment of self pity, I guess. Wish me luck.